I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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