i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
