I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
