If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
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