...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
