there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
