Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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