I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
You are a genius and a whore.
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