Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
