The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
