just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
