So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Randomize
