omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
tell your sister to shave her snatch
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
