Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
