before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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