FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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