boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
