I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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