My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
