What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
