he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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