if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
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