I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
