I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
