Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
