just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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