How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
