someone threw a dead crab at me
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Dear god my vagina.
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