I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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