I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
