you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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