The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
