Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Blood and glitter go together right?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
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