I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
we made out on top of his cat.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
