Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
