some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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