I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
