if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
