I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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