you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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