do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
