Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
