i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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