I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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