the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I wish I only lived at night.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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