i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize
