i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
