and you said cock pushups were impossible
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
