I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
