if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Sacagawea was the original milf.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
