my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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