Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Randomize
