Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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