did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
