Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
