I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
